21 April 2009

Milk, milk, lemonade

This whole 'blogger awards' thing seems to have taken the internets by storm. Seems like every day I read a blog where someone has received an award from another blog and then passes it along like so much herpes; except more fun! So I realized that about a week ago Heather gave me The Lemonade Award because I commented on her post therein concerned. According to her, it is "an award given to sites which the giver shows either great attitude and/or gratitude." So if I'm reading that right, thank you, Heather, for showing me great attitude and gratitude. Upon accepting this award I am supposed to list 6 unimportant things that make me happy. I'm of the mind that anything that makes me happy is pretty damn important, but I'll give it the ol' college try. Here goes:

1) That first sip of coffee in the morning - Oh. My. God. Is there anything better? It seems like every day at work (and occasionally weekends) starts off with me sitting in my chair, taking a whiff of my fresh-brewed coffee, having a sip, and then melting in happiness. I usually don't reconstitute until after I've drank it all.

2) The blue herons around my apartment - They're simultaneously majestic and a little goofy-looking. I think there are about a half-dozen that live on the lake I walk around for exercise. I smile whenever I see them.

3) Going to the grocery store - Okay so this might not fall under the 'unimportant' category because, as Checker's is wont reminds us, you gotta eat. However, since I always wait until I have absolutely no edible food in the house, it's a great feeling whenever I come home with a trunk chock full of food. I realized recently that I buy mostly breakfast food, but that's a subject for another post.

4) New headphones - Now this is unimportant! I just bought a new pair of earbuds to replace the shitty ones that came with my ubiquitous mp3 player. These guys, actually. It's such a relief to be rid of the old ones. I don't have to worry about these falling out of my ears if I get particularly dance-y while on my walks.

5) Twitter - Yes, I'm addicted now. Damnit.

6) Cheesy Jokes - While I'd hardly argue that these are unimportant, some may. I've amassed quite a number of cheesy jokes over the last 5 or 6 years, all of which I'm too willing to share. Exempli gratia: A spark plug walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Okay. I'll serve you, but you've gotta promise not to start anything." Or: What'd the fish say when he ran into a wall?? Dam... See what I mean? That's just two! I've got dozens of 'em, all tucked away somewhere in my head. Have you got one? I'd love to hear it. If I'm ever about to take a picture where I should be smiling, I'll typically think of one of these jokes so my smile doesn't look forced.

Okay so that was actually harder than I thought. Not sure if that reflects poorly upon my psychological wellness. The thing about these awards is that you're supposed to pass 'em along. So, here's two folks who have my gratitude: Sarah and LadyGlutter. F'real, though... make with the corny jokes people.


Ari said...

What's brown and sticky?!

A stick!

Or...what did the Hispanic college student say when his research paper blew out the window?

See ya later essay!

Sarah said...

I have a story about your corny joke! The fish one.

I was up in front of a class one day, talking about how much I liked silly jokes and puns. And someone said, "Okay, I have a good one!" So I said, "Woo! Tell it!" And they told it, complete with, "Dam!" punchline. And I didn't get it. I stood there, trying to smile, thinking, because it's funny when fish say swear words?. And then everybody laughed harder because I was obviously not getting it. And then I got it! And we had a great time.

Okay, here's my favorite cheesy joke:

A man walks into a bar in the early afternoon. He sits down in the middle of the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender serves him, he looks around and realizes that it's just the two of them in the whole place. The bartender returns to the end of the bar and starts reading a newspaper. The man has been enjoying his beer for a few minutes when he hears a soft voice say, "That's a nice watch!" He looks around, but it's just him and the bartender. So, okay. He has a few more sips of beer and hears the same soft voice say, "Wow, that's a really great tie!" Again, he looks around, but it's just the two of them and the bartender is engrossed in the paper.

So he clears his throat, and the bartender looks up. He says, "I think I'm hearing things. Or can you throw your voice?"

The bartender says, "No. Why?"

The man says, "Well, I just heard someone tell me I had a nice watch and a nice tie."

"Oh!" says the bartender. "That's our peanuts. They're complimentary."

Heather Rose said...

Okay. Here goes...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One baby goes to a family in Egypt,and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain, and is called Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

I love that one!

Oh! One more...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little. This made him rather frail. Also due to his rather odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
Thus he was...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Apollo said...

Ari - What'd the Latino man say when the two houses fell on him? "Get off me, homes."

Sarah - I love the joke! I think I'll be using it. Here's one in return: A blind guy walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. He grabs the dog by the tail and start swinging him around his head. Over the dog's yelping the bartender yells, "Hey buddy what the hell are you doing?!" The blind man says, "Man I'm just looking around."

Heather - I dig the twins joke. I think I'm using it, too! This has been a productive post! Here's one for you: What do you call an Irishman that sleeps on your porch? Patty O'Furniture.

LadyGlutter said...

I have blue herons in my backyard too!

Here's two new ones I heard recently:
Two cats are on a roof. Which slides off first?

The one with the smaller mew.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who refused to buy health insurance?

All right, suture self.

Admit it, that one has you in stitches! ;)

And this is an old reliable one:
"I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

Sarah said...

Ooh, Lady Glutter reminded me of a good science one!

A proton, an electron, and a neutron walk into a bar. The proton orders a beer, pays for it and goes to sit at a table. The electron orders a beer, pays for it, and goes to sit with the proton. The neutron steps up, orders and a beer and when he offers his money, the bartender holds up a hand and says, "For you, Mr. Neutron? No charge!"

Marciepooh said...

If you want some really corny riddles there's some brand of popsicles (I don't remember which) that have them on the stick. The question, iirc, is on the part you hold and the answer is revealed when you finish the popsicle. My sister thought they were great when she was about 4-8. Now (age almost 11) she pretty much rolls her eyes at any joke Dad tells.

Apollo said...

LG and Sarah - I can't get enough nerdy science jokes. Here's one for you: Why are quantum physicists so bad in bed?? Because once they find the position they can't find the momentum and once they've found the momentum they've lost the position.

Yeah, that's a Heisenberg sex joke. Never thought you'd hear one of those, did ya?

Marciepooh - I used to eat those popsicles when I was growing up! I loved those things. Here's one you won't find on any popsicle: What's the worst part about smelling mothballs?? Pulling those tiny legs apart.

I've come to realize that a lot of these jokes are better when told in person.